Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Being A NICU Mom | The Farnes Family

Two years ago I had a miscarriage and had to say goodbye to my first child. It was devastated. I was meant to become a mother, and then my child was lost and I had nothing. It was by far the worst experience of my life.

Flash forward to now. I've been a mother for a week and a half, but it doesn't feel like it. I gave birth to my beautiful twin girls, yet they're still in the hospital. They don't feel like they're mine because I'm not the one taking care of them all the time. I'm not there with them every hour of every day. I don't get to hold them in the way I want to or play with them the way I want to. My babies are swaddled little burritos that I get to cradle in my arms for a few hours a day.

And it's one of the hardest things, to set my girls back down in their cribs, and say goodbye.

When I started my maternity leave early I was resting and preparing for my daughters to arrive. And now I'm still on maternity leave, but with no child to take care of. I go to sleep late, sleep in late, do nothing while I let my body heal from my c-section, and I visit my children. But it's not enough. I feel useless, lazy, and bored.

Today I could not bring myself to get ready. I lay on the couch watching Netflix for hours putting off getting ready to go see my girls. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I know I'll only have to say goodbye again.

I sobbed to Chris today because it's just too hard. I cannot keep saying goodbye to my little girls.

Visiting my girls brings me such joy. I love holding them, feeding them, seeing their beautiful eyes, and holding their tiny hands. But it's not enough. And when I have to say goodbye again I feel so incredibly lost and broken, leaving a large chunk of my heart behind at the hospital.

Also today I picked up a new prescription of birth control pills. It's been three years since I've done any form of birth control. Three years I have tried to conceive and start a family. Three years is a long time to wait. And I'm still waiting. Because my girls aren't with me yet. I've waited so long, I've dreamt of this for years, I've wanted this my entire life, and I'm still waiting for the day that I get to take my daughters home and have them be entirely mine.

I don't like being a NICU mom. I just want my girls home with me. I love them too much to keep saying goodbye.

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