Sunday, January 31, 2016

January Favorites [2016]

So we are bringing back monthly favorite posts this year! I will probably switch back and forth between a written post or a video post (like my 2015 favorites) to add a bit of variety and fun to these monthly posts. I have a better layout and categories so hopefully this year they won't be as sloppy...

However, today's is not going to be good at all. I just can't think of any favorites. But we'll go over a few things that have made this month great.

To start off, I'm going to make monthly playlists of the songs I've listened to most that month, or possibly themed playlists (like for Christmas). These will all be on my Spotify account, so be sure to follow me on Spotify to see my favorites throughout the month instead of just when I post it. I have a wide variety of music I love, so it's difficult to categorize what genre you'll see in these playlists. But for this month they are just recent favorites. So you can get listening to my favorites as you browse through the rest of this post.

(And I want to both warn you and apologize that this particular playlist is more calm/sad songs. I absolutely love sad songs, those are my favorite kind, but also it's been a difficult month for me.)

Firstly I want to talk about my favorite/most popular post on my blog this month, which would be "My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today". This was quite possibly the hardest post I have ever written. I don't believe I've ever been hysterically crying while typing up a blog post before, even when I talk about my depression. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life and I'm still healing emotionally from it. Thank you to everyone who supported this post and supported me.


I seriously cannot think of favorites for this month! But I can say I've been loving my new makeup routine. It's very dark around the eyes, but I'm obsessed. Also, all my makeup products are pretty amazing because a few weeks ago at work I cried for about an hour and a half and my super dark (slightly emo) makeup didn't smudge at all. I think they should make makeup commercials about women getting dumped and crying, because isn't makeup that stays what we're all really looking for?


This month I had the incredible opportunity to see Sherlock: The Abominable Bride in theaters. To be able to see a BBC television show that I'm obsessed with in a theater in my hometown was the highlight of my month (although I came home from that to Zoram almost eating my ultrasounds). It was so insanely good!!! I love Sherlock so ridiculously much!!!

This month I've also been able to see the latest seasons of New Girl and Parks & Recreation, as they were added onto Netflix. These are two of my favorite comedy shows and I love them both. Nick Miller is amazing, he's my favorite thing... like ever.


A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mom today!! I don't know where I'd be without you! I love you so insanely much and hope you have the best birthday ever!!

Fiona M. wrote the most amazing comment on yesterday's post (How Social Anxiety Makes Me Feel). As I'm transitioning this blog to talk more about my mental health disorders, it is my sincere hope that something I say can help someone else. Fiona has already made me feel that way, and for that I am truly grateful. Love you Fiona!

Kate of Kate the (Almost) Great has been my teammate this past month. She was gracious enough to allow me to advertise this blog on her own blog, and she's been given me Twitter shout outs the past few weeks (and loving Zoram almost as much as I do). I truly love her blog and her, so please, please click the link to read about her. She's an incredible, strong, beautiful person, and she deserves all your love and kindness.

One last shoutout to all those who have added me on Snapchat because they want to look at Zoram. That's the trial of having the cutest puppy in the world I suppose. But if you would like to look at daily pictures and videos of Zoram (and some of Chris and myself too) you can follow me @cowgirlkaylee22.


Ugh. Sorry this post is so short and boring. I can't think of favorites, it's been a weird month. Please check out my Spotify, I've been going crazy making playlists lately and I personally think they're awesome. Don't forget to also follow me on all my social media, because I'm trying to post more on those. 

Thank you for reading!!! 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

How Social Anxiety Makes Me Feel

When I was younger I was told I was shy. And I believed it. 
It wasn't until I was older, in college, that I realized it was something more. 

I have social anxiety. 

Social anxiety isn't about just being shy.
It's about having actual panic and anxiety attacks in social situations. 
I wish I had known as a child that I wasn't just shy,
That there was more to what I was feeling.
Because understanding I have social anxiety, has made it so much better. 

It's not cured, but it's better, because I know I'm not just shy. 

It's still a struggle sometimes.
But it's something I face.
And knowing it's more than being shy helps me handle it better.

But this is what I feel on a regular basis... 

If I'm late for work and late for our 9:00 numbers meeting, with the permission of my boss, if I am already late, I don't have to go, because walking into the conference room late, having everyone look at me as I go in makes me feel hot and makes my chest ache. 

The other day I knew I had a meeting at noon, a meeting where I would have to read aloud in front of the group, a small group of no more than six. For the ten minutes leading up to that meeting, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt freezing cold. Breathing was difficult. So you can imagine the exhaustion I felt when noon came and I was told the meeting was cancelled. 

I walked into a bathroom stall to find there was no toilet paper. Instead of immediately leaving and switching stalls, I stood around waiting till I heard everyone else leave the bathroom, terrified of what people might think to see me leave my stall to enter another. 

When paying for items at a store or restaurant, I have a mini panic attack if it takes me a little while to get out my wallet. It terrifies me to have the cashier waiting on me or have people behind me. 

In one instance, I went to buy items at the store and my card was declined. It took all my energy to stay composed as the cashier kindly pointed out an ATM for me, where my card was also declined. There had been people behind me and in my imagination they were all judging me. I left the store and cried from having to deal with that kind of anxiety. 

People know me for being quiet. The reason I'm so quiet is because I'm so terrified people will laugh at what I say or judge me. I struggle with the way people see me and always believe others will think the worst of me. 

I feel intense guilt and shame over the smallest things. Once I let out a loud laugh that made other's laugh. That sound I made echoed in my head over and over again, and my chest ached.

I always want hugs, but am too afraid to initiate them. 

I remember once as I child I overheard my mom telling her friends about something funny I did. I know my mom didn't mean anything by it, and if it were to happen now I would probably be able to handle it better, but as a child, hearing people laugh at something I had done, I gained a fear of being made fun of (a part of social anxiety). I was so quiet as a child because I was terrified of being laughed at. 

I'm terrified of what people think of me, to the extent that I will keep my coat on all day if I'm feeling a little overweight and my distorted mind believes other people will look on and judge. 

I've always loved children and loved playing with children, but when the parents are around I get anxious that they'll judge the way I crawl on the floor with their kids and I become silent and still. 

I am my own worst enemy. I self-sabotage myself in so many situations, simply believing that I can't accomplish something because no one will like me. 

I'm fine with one-on-one conversations, but one add just one more person I begin to struggle. The problem is not knowing when, or how to speak up. I don't want to inconvenience anyone or interrupt them. Even if we're all the best of friends, if there's not a clear gap, I will rarely speak up. 

When I'm in a crowd, there's a dull ache in my chest and a struggle to breathe. Typically if I'm with people I know I do better, but if I'm alone in a crowd I am terrified of touching or interrupting anyone, that I will try to avoid being near anyone all together. 

I stay alone in my apartment frequently. The act of choosing to go out and be around strangers is a struggle. 

I've gotten a lot better at keeping eye contact, but in conversations I'm often fumbling with something in my hands or my eyes dart around the room. It's unnerving having someone look me in the eyes, it feels too vulnerable. 

I hate making phone calls, talking on the phone, texting people I don't know. Phones are one of my enemies. 

People laughing near me, even if I know they aren't laughing at me, makes me feel anxious. 

I am mortified to eat in front of people. What if I spill? What if they don't like what I'm eating? What if I'm chewing too loud? What if my shaky hands become a problem? So many questions go through me, so I often eat alone. (Family and close friends are fine though.) 

I hate to ask for help, terrified they'll think I'm stupid. 

I will often pretend I didn't know something before if someone is telling me a fact or story, because I never want to come across as a know-it-all. I just nod along and give input. Sometimes even someone will ask me a question and I pretend not to know the answer, afraid they will think I think I'm better than they are.

I plan out many conversation in my head beforehand. I do not like being put on the spot. If I ever have to give a speech or lesson I write out everything I plan to say and rarely improvise. 

I feel embarrassed almost all the time. 

While black is my favorite color, part of me knows that one of the reasons I mainly wear black and grey are because I know they won't bring any attention to me. Wearing black all the time can make you invisible sometimes, and while sometimes I hate feeling invisible it's better than being the center of attention. 

I will often wait for others to make a move before I do. I will hold onto garbage until I see someone else throw theirs away, taking it as a signal that it's okay. 

Along with a fear of walking in late, I'm terrified of leaving early. People staring at me, noticing my actions give me an anxiety attack. 

My anxiety is often feeling like I'm suffocating. My whole body shakes, my palms getting sweaty, my chest hurts, my heart is pounding, my stomach feels nauseous, my vision is sometimes blurry and unfocused, and millions of self-defeating thoughts race through my mind. After an anxiety attack my body is hit with complete exhaustion. 


Knowing all of these things makes it better. 
I can prepare, I can be ready, I can find solutions, I can get feeling better faster. 

I'm not just shy.
I have social anxiety.
And I wish I had learned that sooner,
So I could have dealt with it earlier.

Not everyday is bad.
It's a process. 
But I'm grateful for the knowledge I have,
Because I know there's nothing wrong with me.

This is something I have, but it's not who I am. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016


So if you watched my last YouTube video and/or read my blog very carefully and/or follow me on social media... you would know I've gotten a dog. His name is Zoram Gerrard Farnes, he's pretty adorable, and he's an emotional support animal that was prescribed to me from an therapist, but Chris picked him out and basically surprised me with him. Zoram is a sheltie. He's almost three months old now and he's already grown so much since we first got him.

There's so much more I could say about Zoram but I decided it would be more fun to just show you all the pictures and videos I've taken since we've gotten him. Most of these are from my Snapchat, which you are welcome to follow if you'd like to see more (cowgirlkaylee22).

(Also, I know these are in a weird order. I'm too tired, and honestly lazy, to fix it. Please forgive me.)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Happy Tuesday 1/12/2016

Not being sick anymore

Getting started on my New Years Resolutions

Workout soreness

Having fantastic numbers at work

All my R2D2 stuff I got for Christmas

Sunny days (even though it's still freezing)

Having my own car temporarily

Feeling at peace

Chris and Zoram

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

My dog almost ate my ultrasound pictures today... 

I came home and Zoram had jumped up and ripped a piece of paper off the fridge.
Tearing it off the magnet.
Inches above it were my pictures.
That had been there since I first got them.

September 10th, 2015.
The day I first saw my baby,
Heard the heartbeat,
And everything became real.

I was happy, blissful, ready to be a mother,
Protecting my unborn child the best I could,
Planning for its future
Preparing for its arrival.

November 3rd, 2015.
The last time I saw my baby.
No heartbeat.

But I had kept the pictures there on the fridge.
I had to.

Because those pictures weren't what hurt me.
Those pictures didn't make me cry myself to sleep every night,
Scream in anger at nothing and nobody,
Want to rip out my hair, claw at my arms with my fingernails just to feel real pain,
Because I couldn't handle emotional pain anymore.


Those picture didn't hurt me.

They reminded me of the happiness,
Of feeling whole,
Of feeling like a mother,
Of never believing anything could go wrong,
Of feeling loved.

They remind me of those months I had my baby.
And I cannot lose those months.
I cannot forget my baby.

That's why, coming home tonight, seeing those pictures on the fridge,
Seeing the danger they had been in,
I began to cry.

I lifted Zoram into my arms,
Let my tears fall into his fur,
And I told him the story.

I told him of my baby.
Of the moment I found out I was pregnant,
How happy I was,
How Chris had held me, just as happy as I had been.
How Chris couldn't keep the secret,
How happy our families were,

And how we had lost it.

I told him of how friends came from far away to tell me their stories,
To give me their sympathy in a way that I knew they understood my pain.

I told him how grateful I was for everyone after that moment,
How people I hadn't talked to in years reached out to me,
Gave me their love,
And let me know that I would be okay.

I told Zoram how I'm still hurt, but I'm healing.

I told him how everything I went through,
Was how he was able to join our family.

I'm not okay.
No one is okay after something like this.
I had a baby,
And now I don't.

But now I know how loved I truly am.

And through all the hurt,
Through all the pain,
I can sometimes still smile,
When I see those ultrasound pictures,
And remember that

I am loved.

I am strong.

And I will be okay. 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation (January 2016 COTM)

This year is all about bringing back Charity of the Month! To read more about my plans for Charity of the Month you can read yesterday's post HERE all about my 2016 blog plans.

This month is my mom's birthday and, fun fact, my mom was adopted. So in honor of my mom and my wonderful grandparents who chose to adopt, our charity this month is the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption.

The Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption was founded in 1992 by Dave Thomas (yes, the Wendy's guy). Dave Thomas had one main goal, "To make sure every child has a permanent and loving family." Even after his death, this foundation continues to aim towards his goal.

I'll be honest, I don't know too much about adoption. But I do believe every child needs a home. Over this upcoming year you'll see a lot of the charities I chose are related to children. I care a lot about children and want to help those in need.

I've always been so grateful for my parents and everything that they do for me. I'm also grateful for my grandma and grandpa who adopted not only my mom, but five other children as well. My grandparents are amazing, kind people who gave a home and love to six children who needed them. I love them for the way the raised my mom into who she is today and I honestly love their act of kindness by adopting my mom.

Every child deserves to feel loved and to be loved by parents. That's why this month I'm supporting the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Thank you for what you do!

You can make your own donations HERE.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Welcome to 2016!

Welcome to 2016 and the new and improved "The Dancing Cow" blog page! I'm sure you've already seen the makeover, but what you haven't seen are the many posts I have planned for this year. This year is going to be BIG. I have so much planned and I'm being much more organized about it, so let's take a look at what you'll see this year on my blog!


This is the big one. When I first started this blog I knew I wanted to use it to bring awareness and donations to different charities. Somewhere along the way I got too discouraged since I'm almost always broke. But even if I can't always afford to give a lot to the charities I enjoy, I can still share them with you and still make a difference.

Every month there will be a new charity. This year is basically all planned out, but suggestions are always welcome and may even beat out the ones I have planned. If you do suggest a charity to me it will be featured on my Charity of the Month page where everyone can see it for all eternity. To suggest a charity just email me at with info about your charity and how to donate. You can also write a guest post about your charity on my blog, just send me an email and we'll see what we can do.

By myself I can't make much of a difference, but with your help we can bring awareness to the many charities out there and help people all over the world that are in need.


I say all the time that Fashion Friday is a thing, but it really hasn't been. This year I'm making more of an effort, but please keep in mind it probably won't happen every Friday. Especially right now when the sun sets so early, it's very difficult for me to get good enough pictures since I work all day. Just be patient with me and I'll do my best.


I say it all the time, I AM GOING TO BE A WRITER. I am going to publish a book someday. But in order to do that, I should probably get comfortable with letting people read my writing. This year you'll be seeing a lot more of my writing up on my blog. I'm working on poems and short stories and I'm going to be sharing them with you! To easily find all my writing posts you can click HERE.


I have a YouTube page. It's been around for almost a year but you probably don't know about it because I haven't done much with it. This year I am planning on posting a video to YouTube every other Wednesday. All those videos I will automatically post to my blog as well so you have fast access to them, but you should also subscribe to my channel to get instant notice when videos are uploaded.

In addition to my planned videos, I am working to do vlogs of my daily life with Chris. Those videos will be a bit more random about when I post them, but I should have at least one a month. These vlogs are just going to be about our fun life together with Zoram... Zoram is our puppy. I haven't once said on this blog yet that we got a puppy. But we have a puppy. His name is Zoram Gerrard Farnes and he is adorable.


What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't have a couple giveaways? I probably will only have 4 this year, probably do it like a quarterly thing. Keep in mind that I am very poor so giveaways will only happen if I am financially stable and if this blog can get more sponsorship. Speaking of which...


While this blog is about me and my life, it wouldn't exist without you, the readers. So I want to highlight you. Every month during my Monthly Favorite's post I will give shout outs to some of my favorite comments and followers from all types of social media. I honestly could not do this without you and you deserve to be recognized.

I do have a tab on my blog about Sponsoring. I offer a variety of ad sizes at different costs so you can have your own blog, YouTube page, or company advertised on this page. Now I'm not into blogging strictly for the money (which is apparent since I've been doing this four years and haven't made one cent) so 50% of any proceeds will go directly to the Charity of the Month. This way you can advertise your blog and help a charity at the same time. It's a win-win situation. Of the remainder, 30% will go back to you guys through giveaways. I may be poor, but I don't need money from blogging and I'd much rather use it on charities and you.


Last year was honestly one of the hardest years of my life. I have high hopes for this year, mostly because I'm going to make it great. I'm not going to wait around to do fun things or be happy, I'm going to be happy now. My theme song for the year is Tomorrow Never Comes by the Zac Brown Band and I am going to live my life doing things now, being happy now, because you never should put off what you could do today.

This year is going to be awesome! I already have a calendar with posts lined up and I'm so excited to share them all with you! Don't forget to follow my blog, and find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and Snapchat so you can always keep up to date with new posts. I love you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

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