Monday, August 29, 2016

The Biggest Change

In August of 2009 I moved to Logan, Utah to start college at Utah State University. That was seven years ago. In those seven years I've either been in Logan or knew I would be moving back in a few short months. For the past seven years my life has been in Logan, it has been my home, my school, my workplace, and the place I always returned to.

This September I'm leaving Logan, and I don't know if I'm going back. In the past I always knew I would go back to Logan and this is the first time I don't think I am. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

I'm moving on. I'm making a change. I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

Chris and I are moving out of Logan.

There were a lot of different things that led to this decision, some of which I'm not comfortable posting on here. But for me personally, not speaking for Chris here, Logan reminds me of a lot of sour memories. Yes, this is the place I met my soulmate, but it's also the home of the college I dropped out of, the home of various jobs I didn't like, the home of certain events that hurt me, the home where I lost my child.

While Logan, Utah is an incredible place that I do love and enjoy, I just have too many memories here that hurt me... but more importantly, it's never felt like home.

I've never felt like I was home in Logan. Seven years later and it never felt like home. I always wanted out. I always wanted to move on, to live somewhere different, somewhere closer to family... somewhere with a Target or Forever 21.

A big part of this decision happened on July 14th. My depression hit me hard and I was caught in a pit of hating myself, hating that I lost my child, hating that I wasn't pregnant yet, and hating my life. I was at one of the lowest points of my life. So Chris, being the loving and caring husband he is, took me into crisis care to speak with a therapist so that I could work through a few of my issues and start feeling better again.

In speaking with the therapist, she asked about my job where I told her all my friends had left and I often just went to work, sat alone at my desk, and spoke to no one. She urged me to search for a new job and possibly to move closer to family.

After speaking with her, Chris and I went out to lunch, where we received a phone call that we had lost our nephew. That moment changed my perspective on life in an instant. I spoke briefly about the whole experience and don't want to get into it more because a stillbirth is such a personal thing and since it wasn't mine it's not my story to share... but how could something like that NOT change me?

We then drove down to Layton area to visit my sister-in-law in the hospital. During the drive it all came together for me.

I am unhappy. And I had been unhappy for a very, very long time. Chris was also unhappy. He too had been unhappy for a very, very long time. And despite both of our unhappiness, we remained stuck in our unhappiness not making any changes.

That weekend in July I made decisions to change my life, and everything fell perfectly into place. I was going to be happy. And it all would start with getting out of Logan.

Though leaving Logan is terrifying.

...Because Logan was always like our safe place, our college town. It feels as if the moment we leave Logan we have to start thinking about our futures. It feels like as soon as I leave Logan, I have to grow up. I think part of me has always considered this my college phase, despite having left college years ago. But leaving Logan means I'm no longer in college, which means I need to find a real job, which means I get to start my real life. It's terrifying... but also incredibly exhilarating.

So much has already fallen into place. I have a new job. We have a place to stay until we get the money to afford a new apartment. Our dog will have a yard for a while and be closer to other dogs to play with. I'll be near family. I'll be near more blogging events and opportunities. I'll be near my best friend again! A girl needs her best friend nearby!!

The moment I started telling people I was leaving Logan I got instantly happier. I've been struggling at work so much because I just want out already! I want to leave, I want to start this new phase in my life. I'm beyond excited. I'm ready. I'm scared, but it's the kind of scared that is driving me. I'm inspired to be a better writer/blogger, I'm more motivated.

I want this.

I've wanted this for so long. I've wanted out of Logan for years now and I'm finally doing it. It's already been one of the greatest decisions of my life and I cannot wait to see what this decision brings me.

I finally feel happy again (for more reasons than just this move) and that's something I've needed more than anything after this hellish year.

Here's to changes! The biggest change I've made in a long, long time!!


  1. Sweetheart, we all go though rough times. I have had my share. Hang in there. Make time for happiness every day. A sunrise or sunset. A flower, a bee, your dog, a deep breath, the simple things. Choose positiveness. I choose to pray for you because I love you so much. nana

  2. You are truly something! I admire your strength and your determination to fight through this part of your life right now and I also admire your husband for being so supportive. I look forward to reading about your new adventures!


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