Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Random Thoughts From The Brain of Kaylee

Two nights ago I had a dream that I can't stop thinking about. So here it is.

In the dream we were riding in my sister's car. (Something that had actually happened right before I went to sleep!) But her car had some weird sensor that detected how many people were in the car. This sensor kept saying that there was one more person in the car than there really was.

Because of this, everyone in the car kept telling me, "Kaylee you're pregnant! That's what this means! It knows!" And they kept saying it over and over again. But I kept fighting it. I kept telling them that I cannot be told I'm pregnant, because I would end up not being pregnant and have to go through losing a baby again.

In the dream was so distraught, crying and screaming at them to stop telling me I was pregnant. My dream self was so upset that my real self woke up in the middle of the night. And then I laid there still feeling upset and anxious and unable to forget the dream.

I've known for a long time now that whenever I get pregnant again I'll have emotional issues. I feel like I cannot allow myself to love or even care about my next pregnancy because if I lose that one too I wouldn't be able to handle pain like that again.

It hurts that that's how I feel about pregnancy now. I just can't care like I did last time. I was so emotionally attached to that last one that when I lost my baby it was so jarring and heartbreaking.

Of course after waking up from that dream I began to question if I really was pregnant. I have a tendency of mentally exaggerating certain pains or feelings because I want to be pregnant so badly. My back slightly hurts? It must mean I'm pregnant! That's what my life is like right now and quite honestly it's exhausting.

But on a brighter note, I've hit the point where I know I want to be pregnant, I want this to happen, but I know it's not under my control. So I'm switching my focus over to things that I can control: my weight, my YouTube channel, and my stories. And it's honestly helping.

It sounds a little sad that I literally have to push away any thoughts of getting pregnant, but occupying my mind with other things has been the only thing that helps. Even if it's only for an hour or two.

I've had a rough week and my positivity is at an all-time low. I just keep waiting for this year to turn around and start being good. This has honestly been the worst year of my life, and we're halfway done. I'm praying the last half things will finally start going my way.

I am in a weird state of calm right now though. I think it's more of a numbness. Nothing can hurt me anymore, I'm numb to it all. And I'm just waiting for things to turn around, for me to stop worrying about getting pregnant, hating all those around me who are pregnant, and putting myself down for not being able to get pregnant again quick enough.

It's a hard time for me. But I just keep waiting. And waiting...

 And waiting.

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