Saturday, April 9, 2016

A Letter to My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today was your due date. Today was the day I was going to become a mother. I had been trying for a year to get pregnant with you, and near the end was getting getting very discouraged. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with you. But then you left, and everything seemed to fall apart.

Everyday after that test came up positive, I prayed that you would be safe and healthy. Every. Single. Day. For me this was different, I had been struggling, I hadn't been praying, but for you it became important again.

Healthy and safe. That was all I wanted for you. Turns out, in order for that to happen you couldn't stay with me. I wanted you healthy and safe, and if being here wasn't what you needed to be healthy and safe, then I understand. And I'm happy that you found good health and safety by going back to your Father in Heaven... but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I miss you everyday, it aches. I miss you whenever I see a baby, or toddler, or even a teenager. I miss you whenever I see a pregnant lady. I miss you when I scroll through Facebook and constantly see pregnancy announcements, or pictures of children. I miss you in the mornings, in the afternoon, and during my countless sleepless nights. I miss you whenever I pray, and still pray for your health and safety. I miss you everyday.

I keep thinking that as time goes on it'll get better, that I'll stop feeling this pain. That I won't be so close to tears every second of every day. That going out and facing the world, facing families and parents won't kill me inside. That I won't have to force a smile, fake a laugh.

And maybe someday I will stop feeling the pain. But the thing is, I had you. I had you with me and now you're gone. I know it was for the best, I know that you're better off now, but what about me? Don't I get something? Don't I get to feel healthy and safe too?

I've been living in constant fear since you left. If I get pregnant again, will I lose that baby too? Would I be able to handle that pain a second time, when I'm hardly handling it now? I always wanted what was best for you, but when do I get what's best for me? When can I stop hurting? When can I stop being afraid? When can I start living again?

You took a part of me with you when you left. You will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love you. I loved caring for you and knowing you were here. I loved planning your future and preparing to hold you. And despite all the pain, that love has never died. I will always love you, and you will always be our "Lil Pumpkin".

I miss you, and I wish you were here. But I'm grateful to have had you, even if just a little while. I hope and pray that you always stay healthy and safe, and I hope you're praying for me too. Because it's been so hard getting to today without you here and knowing you aren't ever coming.

Happy due date, little one. I will always love you. 

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