Tuesday, January 5, 2016

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

My dog almost ate my ultrasound pictures today... 

I came home and Zoram had jumped up and ripped a piece of paper off the fridge.
Tearing it off the magnet.
Inches above it were my pictures.
That had been there since I first got them.

September 10th, 2015.
The day I first saw my baby,
Heard the heartbeat,
And everything became real.

I was happy, blissful, ready to be a mother,
Protecting my unborn child the best I could,
Planning for its future
Preparing for its arrival.

November 3rd, 2015.
The last time I saw my baby.
No heartbeat.

But I had kept the pictures there on the fridge.
I had to.

Because those pictures weren't what hurt me.
Those pictures didn't make me cry myself to sleep every night,
Scream in anger at nothing and nobody,
Want to rip out my hair, claw at my arms with my fingernails just to feel real pain,
Because I couldn't handle emotional pain anymore.


Those picture didn't hurt me.

They reminded me of the happiness,
Of feeling whole,
Of feeling like a mother,
Of never believing anything could go wrong,
Of feeling loved.

They remind me of those months I had my baby.
And I cannot lose those months.
I cannot forget my baby.

That's why, coming home tonight, seeing those pictures on the fridge,
Seeing the danger they had been in,
I began to cry.

I lifted Zoram into my arms,
Let my tears fall into his fur,
And I told him the story.

I told him of my baby.
Of the moment I found out I was pregnant,
How happy I was,
How Chris had held me, just as happy as I had been.
How Chris couldn't keep the secret,
How happy our families were,

And how we had lost it.

I told him of how friends came from far away to tell me their stories,
To give me their sympathy in a way that I knew they understood my pain.

I told him how grateful I was for everyone after that moment,
How people I hadn't talked to in years reached out to me,
Gave me their love,
And let me know that I would be okay.

I told Zoram how I'm still hurt, but I'm healing.

I told him how everything I went through,
Was how he was able to join our family.

I'm not okay.
No one is okay after something like this.
I had a baby,
And now I don't.

But now I know how loved I truly am.

And through all the hurt,
Through all the pain,
I can sometimes still smile,
When I see those ultrasound pictures,
And remember that

I am loved.

I am strong.

And I will be okay. 


  1. I don't know what to say. Strange enough, the comment that comes to mind is "thank you"? Thank you for sharing, even though it was maybe hard for you to do.
    - Iona

    1. No, I completely understand that. A lot of what I write on my blog is the hard stuff, because I never want anyone to feel alone. We all have pain and it's sometimes nice to read other people's stories to not feel so alone.

  2. *hugs*
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
    Love you, cousin.


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