This post ended up much longer than I expected and is majorly an angry rant. Read it if you wish, and if you do, please leave a comment and give me a suggestion on what to do. I'm horribly upset over this.
This title is a very bold statement, but quite honestly it's true. And people should stop telling me I'm just going through a faze, because I've been here for practically five long years and I've always hated it. I put on a very deceiving front. I go to all my classes, I talk enthusiastically about my major, and for the past two days I've stayed on campus for 10 straight hours (today it's 7 and a half hours straight). But the truth is that I absolutely hate being here and I really, really don't want to stay.
I started college at Utah State (which I have nothing against this school, only college in general) back in 2009. I was excited to start out with my major in print journalism. I went through the first semester with decent grades but greatly disliked going to classes and being in college. The next semester was harder and I thought, "Maybe I'm in the wrong major", so I talked with a counselor and changed my major to English teaching.
So my next year of college began in my English major, a subject I have always loved and always did well in in high school. I received all "B's" that semester and began feeling discouraged. The next semester my personal life hit an all-time low and I suffered horrible depression and dropped many of my classes, leaving me with three simple ones which I got "A's" in.
The next year I started into the difficult English courses and found that I wasn't as good in English as I though I was. In fact, I sucked at English! I felt incredibly behind and stupid and began failing courses. The next semester was even worse, leaving me with a horrible GPA and too frustrated to stay. I left college and moved back home, needing a break from the college life and to get my priorities straight.
That year I found multiple jobs and worked long hours (all while planning my wedding). I absolutely loved that year, despite living two hours from my fiance, and fell in love with a hard working schedule. I loved to work and felt accomplished.
After my wedding I moved back to Logan, ready to start up school again after the summer. I searched all summer for a job and couldn't find one, leaving me feeling horribly depressed and empty inside. I had loved the last year of working so much and it hurt me that I couldn't work again. I finally got my old janitorial job back at the end of the summer. I wasn't incredibly happy with it, but I loved my boss and coworkers and at least I had a job.
I started school again with confidence, ready to work hard and raise my GPA, all while exploring a second major change. While I didn't very well that semester, I HATED IT. I hated being in school and I just wanted to go back to working again. I loved one particular class and I learned a lot but I hated being in school.
Now we're at the current semester, where I'm trying my hardest and still getting horrible grades. I hate being in school, I hate being in college, and I honestly don't think I can do this anymore.
In one of my classes last semester my teacher asked us to write down where we see ourselves in five years. I wrote that I wanted to be a mother, that I wanted to be working, that I wanted to be writing novels and writing on my blog, I wanted to be helping people, I wanted to be out of Logan, and I wanted to be happily married with my husband.
He then said, "If teaching isn't on there, than maybe this major isn't for you." Teaching wasn't on my list. In fact, I didn't even think about teaching until he had said it. I became very confused. Is teaching really what I want to do or am I trying to convince myself I should because it's a "real job". Do I want to be a teacher or am I just in love with the idea of being a teacher?
Since September I've been volunteering in an elementary school and helping a fifth grader on his reading. I absolutely love it and love being in that environment, but I want to do it now, I don't want to wait five years and suffer through college to get there. I think I could be a good teacher, but the thought of going through college to get there terrifies me, not because it's hard, but because I absolutely hate it.
Is college really right for me if I'm constantly stressed, crying, and horribly depressed? College is so hard for me but it's also hard on me. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth with each new school day. I feel lost and hurt because I never know the right answer when I'm called on in class. I feel stupid in every single one of my classes, even the ones I do good in. I honestly believe college isn't right for me... right now.
I texted my mom after a horrible day of school and told her about my doubts and how much I hate college. She suggested I take a break, but I've already done that! And after my break I hated going back! While I was so excited to go back, when I finally got back here I remembered how much I hate it and all that excitement disappeared and was replaced with sadness and anxiety.
I don't want to finish college. There. I said it. I hate being here. I hate going to school. I want to work, I want to start a family, I want to feel like I'm successful in life. Right now I feel like a horrible failure and I want to escape. I want to work full-time. I don't want to go to school. I hate college!!
I don't want to be a drop-out, I really don't, but I honestly hate being here and have no desire to stay. I'm confused and upset. I want someone to give me the right answer. What should I do? Where am I supposed to be? Where am I going in life? HELP!!
Read a follow-up post/disclaimer HERE.