Tuesday, February 18, 2014

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Hey you! It's me, you. Happy 17th birthday! It feels old doesn't it? Just wait until you're 23 like me, you'll feel super old then. I hope you're having a good birthday and your cake is good. It sure looks interesting. To be honest, I don't remember anything about our 17th birthday. I just remember being 17, but I'll get to that in a minute.

In about two months you'll meet a boy named Colton. You'll make a complete fool of yourself by the first thing you say to him, but that's alright, because he's something special. Never forget he's someone special. He will end up being your best friend, and the only one you can turn to when things go wrong. He's important and changes your life for the better. And while you love him and everything he does for you, he's not the one. Be kind and show him you care. If I could only ask you to change one thing, don't hurt him the way I did. He didn't deserve that. He will be your best friend, and he doesn't need you to betray him the way I did.

Also this year you'll be going to San Antonio with the school choir. You'll become better friends with people there and have a lot of fun. Try to keep those friendships alive, because after high school friendships change.

I know you're upset that you didn't make the ballroom team this year, but don't worry, you'll make it next year. And you'll get better and better at dance. You'll even (finally) be able to do the splits. Then in college, you'll make the team there, and you'll be a favorite of the coaches. They'll end up becoming your friends. You'll make lots of friends through ballroom. You'll also meet someone who tries to destroy your life. Don't let him destroy your life, keep your head up and keep dancing.

Also keep writing. Someday you'll start a blog that will end up being fairly popular and will bring you so much joy! You'll also think of the idea for that award-winning book you've always wanted to write. It'll take quite a few years to write it, but you know it's good because it's the first book you never give up on. For a time in college you may doubt your writing abilities, but please don't. You know you love to write and that it makes you happy, so don't stop doing it.

You already know you want to go to Utah State, and you're right. USU will be one of the greatest things you'll ever do. You'll meet so many people, learn so much, experience new things, and end up meeting the love of your life.

Oh yeah! You're probably wondering about marriage. You'll get married at 22. I know you're thinking 21, but you start dating him on your 21st birthday, so it still works. His name is Chris. But not the first Chris you date, he'll just leave you and hurt you. Be patient until you find the right Chris, and you'll know when you find him because he's perfect and he will make you happy for eternity. He's super attractive and the nicest boy you'll ever meet. He has a great family and gets along very well with yours. You pick a winner, don't worry.

Oh, and at the 11/11/11 party, be sure to eat as many pumpkin chocolate chip cookies as you can. You'll get super sick, but Chris will be there for you, and it'll be the first time you realize you love him.

While you're already close, after moving away to college, your siblings will become your best friends. Nick will grow taller than you, but at one point you'll be the same height, and everyone will think you're twins. Michelle is always so kind and has so much wisdom, she'll be your rock as you grow older.

Treat mom and dad better. It's not that you treat them badly now, but once you move away you'll realize how much you really miss them. They are incredible parents and they deserve to get more of your love. In a few months, mom will give you letter that changes your life, you'll realize just how important you are to her, and your bond will grow. Mom and Dad love you and they always will no matter what you do.

I know your heart is feeling heavy right now. You're conflicted because a boy is in love with you but your best friend is in love with him. They'll end up together eventually and you'll be a bridesmaid at the wedding. It's a beautiful wedding and you'll get to drag along your husband with you. You'll be happy for them.

...I know you don't want to hear this, but being 17 is hard.

I know what you're feeling inside.I know all about the blackness inside of you. I know you hurt. I know you cry every night. I know you cut yourself sometimes just to feel pain that makes sense, that you can see. I know that you stare at passing cars, wanting to jump in front of them. I know that you drive around for hours, trying to clear your head and get all the tears out before anyone can see you. I know that you feel alone even with so many people around you everyday. I know you think you're ugly. I know you hate yourself.

But despite all the pain, you'll make it through. It'll be one of the hardest things you ever face. It'll make you so much stronger! Your relationship with your Father in Heaven will grow and you'll learn more about the atonement of Jesus Christ. You'll realize your place in this world. You'll learn that you are important, and you are loved. YOU ARE SO LOVED!!!

When you're sitting on your bed, wanting it all to end, YOU WILL SURVIVE. You will make it through and live a wonderful, beautiful life! You will find happiness! You don't have to live in the darkness forever!!

And while you'll still struggle with depression your whole life, once you make it past 17, you'll be able to make it through everything else! You become someone who helps others, who is confident and proud, who learns to love, who is happy.

Kaylee, 17 is hard. It'll be so so hard. But once you get past 17, you'll become a hero to yourself. You'll become someone important. And you'll finally become you.

I wish you the best of luck! I love you and know you'll make the right decisions.

Future Kaylee


This post was inspired by this song:

What would you write to your 17 year old self? Leave a comment below and let me know!


  1. Thanks so much for sharing this letter to your 17 year old self because I know there are a lot of people, especially teenagers who struggle with liking and believing in themselves and they need to hear your message of hope and courage! You are a talented writer and I'm glad you decided to keep writing! You are such a beautiful person inside and out!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I think this is one of my most favorite posts I've ever written because of the meaning and significance behind it. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Kaylee, this post made me cry! I have experienced a lot of the same feelings in my life. Your outlook on life is so beautiful. I'm so glad that you have found happiness with your husband. It took a lot of bravery to post this publicly, and I admire your strength. You are such a kind and beautiful girl. I know we havent been very close since elementary school, but I have always considered you a dear friend. I love you!

    1. Thank you so much! This post was hard to write but I'm honestly so glad I wrote it. Love you girl!!

  3. This is such a good idea for a blog post! I found it hard to write a post about what I went through so well done for doing it, it's a hard one to word. I am so glad that you finally found happiness and everything with your husband, just think your 2/3 years older than me and your married! I wish I could just see into the future to see if I would be married and living a happy life when I am 23. Your style of writing is so easy to read - which is a good thing - this is such a good post! I love it.



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