Tuesday, September 17, 2013

A Message From Your Friendly Neighborhood Janitor

I work as a janitor in the student center on campus. It's not a glamorous job (as you will see later) but it's something that has to be done. I get paid minimum wage but work twenty hours a week, so it's enough for us to get by (but if my husband wasn't working also, we would never be able to pay our bills). As a janitor I see a lot of weird things, I also see a lot of stupid things, so here are some rules that should be followed while in a public place (especially in the student center I work in). READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.


  1. Put your gum in the trash. Not the floor, not the urinals, in the trash. Because guess what boys, when you throw your gum in the urinal, which is not used to flush anything other than pee, I have to reach my hand in and get it out. And people wonder why I hate gum. If your gum flushes down the toilet and I don't have to see it, that's fine.
  2. Also, how much gum can one person chew in one day? I take out the trashes in people's offices and I go in everyday and every time I get ten more pieces of gum stuck in there. How? Why? Why do you need to chew that much gum?
  3. Speaking of trash cans, don't hide personal objects in your trash can and expect them to still be there when we're done. Because we're janitors, we do our job. So if you hide your keys in the trash can... you're kind of out of luck. 
  4. Another note on trash cans, don't get all huffy if we don't change the garbage bag everyday. We're trying to save on plastic as well as save our money by not having to buy more bags all the time. 
  5. If you leave paperclips all over the floor, they will ruin our vacuum. Yes, I'm looking at you. I don't know how everyday you drop six paperclips on the ground, but my vacuum can't pick them up, and it's a backpack vacuum, so then I have to bend down with all that extra weight on my back and shoulders, and pick up your paperclips and put them on your desk... and they always end up back on the floor. Goodness. If I was using a push vacuum it would actually ruin it.
  6. Our vacuums are loud, and on our backs, don't sneak up behind us and think it won't scare us. I cannot tell you how many people have giving me heart attacks by sneaking up behind me. I hate those people...
  7. Don't make fun of us if we back up and run our vacuum into a wall. Because those backpacks are heavy and big and we can't always tell when it'll hit something. 
  8. Speaking of backpacks, don't ask us if we're a Ghostbuster and think you're being original. I get asked that constantly and it's so annoying. I started this new thing though that if someone asks me, I try to act as serious as possible and answer "Yes, this building is full of ghosts." I got a fantastic look from a boy once doing that. 
  9. Umm, boys... don't try to flirt with me while I'm working. Because a) I'm working and b) I'm married, check out the left hand first. 
  10. Also boys, don't call me a loser. I can't even fathom why that kid would do something so incredibly childish and stupid. We're in college, not elementary school. 
  11. Boys don't pee on the floor. I don't know how this isn't obvious. And out of curiosity, do you pee on the floor at home too? Or do you just save that for public places? And do you pee on the floor with other people in the bathroom as well? What do they think of you peeing on the floor? Is it just some big "peeing on the floor party"? Because that's what it looks like. Every. Day. 
  12. More importantly, poop goes in the toilet, not on the ground. Pee on the floor isn't the worst thing in the world, we can just mop that up, but poop... That's when the perfect little Mormon girl janitors want to start swearing up a storm. Because we can't just mop that up. Do you have a dog? Remember how you have to clean up after your dog? Don't make other people clean up after you... you dog. (As a note, this is not just for boys)
  13. However, by some strange happenstance you do miss the toilet with your poop, we're just happy you did it in the bathroom. Because that one time we found human feces in a random closet... We wanted to kill someone. 
  14. Back to boys, why must you shave in our bathrooms? Honestly, I don't get it. 
  15. Ladies, don't shed a pound of your hair and stuff it in our sinks. Do you discard all your broken strands in your own sink? No, because then it clogs the piping and you have to buy Drain-O. It's just a money saver to put the hair in the trash. 
  16. Ladies... ladies, ladies, ladies, there is a box in the bathroom to put your feminine hygiene products, LEARN HOW TO USE IT. Here is a step-by-step guide
    1. Wrap your product in toilet paper. We don't care if you waste our toilet paper on that, we encourage it actually. Because last night when I was trying to take out the bag and got someone else's blood on my finger... yes I was wearing gloves, but please just picture that. 
    2. There is a bag in there, put your stuff in the bag, don't just make a pile on top of the bag, don't shove it in the box not in the bag. It takes way too long for me to get that bag out, because somehow you ladies don't know how to use it properly. 
    3. Don't put candy wrappers or cups in that box. Apparently the societies pressures to be thin have led to women not being able to eat in public, so for unknown reasons, these women choose to eat their chocolate indulgence while on the toilet. I personally can't understand why someone would eat on the toilet, and yes, if I find your wrappers in that box, I will judge you. 
    4. Don't put dirty diapers in that box. We as janitors call it the "surprise box" because it's always a surprise at what we'll find in there. I honestly don't know how you stuffed a diaper in that tiny box, but we do have two garbage cans in that bathroom for a reason. It was difficult to get that stuffed-in diaper out and honestly, it was the worst smelling diaper of my life, and I've worked in a daycare. Similarly, it's also not a place to put your... underwear... yep that totally happened... 
    5. Again, just remember that this box is for feminine hygiene products, don't abuse this box or we'll take it away from you. Just kidding, that would only lead to a bigger disaster, but honestly, having that box in there is a convenience for you, treat it with respect. 
  17. Stop throwing toilet paper all over the floor. Are we in elementary school? No, I believe I work in a college. 
  18. Flush the toilet after use. Some of you may be thinking, "What? That's so obvious! I learned that as a child." Yes, but apparently we lose the knowledge to flush in college. Here's a little refresher for you, there's a knob (usually silver) that you simply push on after doing your business. I do clean that knob, but if you don't trust it, push it with your foot, that's what I usually do.
  19. If you spill something, please try to find a janitor and tell them. Because when you spill a soda and just leave it and a million people start walking through it and trailing all over the floor this soda slippery/sticky mess, it's a hassle to clean up. It's just better if you help us find it before the rest of the student population does. 
  20. If you happen to get sick, we would prefer it if you threw up in the toilet, not the garbage cans. And if you do throw up in the trash can, maybe you should tell someone so it doesn't make the whole hallway stink. And maybe if you're the afternoon janitor and you find throw up in the garbage can, don't leave it for the evening janitors to find, because that was just plain rude and you made a bigger mess in the trash can by dumping it, and leaving the bag in there still. Sick sick sick!!!
  21. There are garbage cans for a reason, use them. My favorite is in a particular boys restroom where one garbage can usually gets full so they just throw things on the ground, but there's another garbage can only three feet away. Outside especially though, throw your trash in a garbage can, because we have to hunt through the plants to get your candy wrapper. 
  22. Try to keep your office tidy, because we can't vacuum effectively if you have stuff all over the floor. It's not our job to pick up all your junk, and we're not going to mess with it and move it around so we can vacuum every inch of the carpet. If you leave folders scattered on the ground, don't expect us to vacuum underneath them. 
  23. Learn how to read signs. If there is a sign on the bathroom door saying "Bathroom Closed" and you just walk right in, don't look all surprised to find a girl cleaning toilets in there. The same is true with "Wet Floor" signs, college students apparently don't know how to read, and it's a wonder to me that they've made it this far in life. 
  24. In reference to The Howl... don't leave your pants, underwear, clothing of any kind, alcoholic drinks (which BTW are not allowed on campus), your masks, your wigs, your condoms, your tampons, your teeth and etc. in the TSC. The day after The Howl, after I had to work from 1:00am to 3:00am to clean up after the dance is the day I absolutely HATE college students. I've been to the Howl twice, it's fun, I love it! But for all you people leaving your junk everywhere and creating a GINORMOUS mess for us janitors... I hate you. I honestly hate you. 
  25. Be respectful. I love my job, I honestly do. My boss is absolutely amazing, my coworkers are great, and it's just a simple, consistent job that helps me pay my rent. I always feel so happy when I clean the offices of adults (because to me, college students are not adults) and they thank me for it. It makes me feel so good to know I have helped out in making the building beautiful. We work really hard to make that building look good, please don't disrespect us. Just by looking through this list, imagine what that building would be like if we didn't clean one day. It would be chaos. Just imagine if we never cleaned up after you. 
UPDATE: My coworker wanted me to add: Don't leave newspapers and paper towels on the floor in the bathroom. We do have a lot of trash and recycling bins and I'm a huge fan of recycling. I personally hate when a trash can and a recycling bin are right next to each other, but you choose to put your newspaper in the garbage. Also, pens are NOT recyclable, I don't know who taught you otherwise, but they really aren't. Also, don't put your clothing sticker tags all over the bathroom stalls and floors. I don't know why you feel the need to buy a shirt and change immediately in the bathrooms, but the tags go in the garbage, not on the walls. Although maybe you changed at home into a new shirt and didn't realize until you were on campus that you still had a tag on it, in which case, I am sorry for your embarrassment, but that still gives you no right to put the stickers on the walls or floor.

Again, I really do love my job, and this post is very stereotypical and sarcastic, however very real at the same time. And yes, I really have witnessed all these things. 

--A message from you friendly neighborhood janitor

No comments:

Post a Comment

Link Within

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...